hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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