Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
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That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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