The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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