My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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