I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize