My sheets look like a crime scene.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
