Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
