is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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