You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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