How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
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I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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