Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Randomize
