I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
