Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
