i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
