guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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