I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
