I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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