im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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