he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
