Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
