It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
