matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
