you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
God, I missed his penis.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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