Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
