Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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