dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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