your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
