i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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