I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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