yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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