May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
