Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
