If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
