Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
