you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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