It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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