..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
