he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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