her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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