Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
