you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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