I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
