I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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