My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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