New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
