i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
