god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
