I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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