I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
