When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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