Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
