i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
