Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
