Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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