ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
