Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
