I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It's shark week go big or go home
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
