Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
