dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
