Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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