Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
