im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
