My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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