Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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