I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He passed out mid-signature
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
