Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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